One Year

Do you ever do that thing, where you look back and think, what was I doing this time last year? What was I like? What was life like? 

Well. I do. This time last year, well .. I'm glad it's now and not then, because then was really hard for me.

Do you know how long this kid has been gone for?

A year. 

Twelve months down. 

Roughly twenty-one months to go. 

Uhhhhhhh. 

How blessed can a girl get?

I got to see my grandparents, Katelyn, and Itzel at Macey's today! It was so fun!

Yesterday, I went to the temple with some of my favorite people and it was so wonderful.

I feel like I have the best family. I really do.

I've finished almost all my Christmas presents!

I have 30,002 words, 60 pages of my novel. I'm excited, this is the most I've ever written!!

Jon is the best friend I could ask for.

I got my first 4.0. I'm not really sure how, two of my classes I put a lot of work into, but my other two classes, well ... I haven't even been in class since October. But, I pulled an A in both! Next step, hopefully BYU.

I just really like this time of year. Everything is happy and peaceful, there's snow, Christmas lights are everywhere (as is Christmas music), and everyone wants to give. It's such a great time of year!

Merry Christmas!

Something really nice happened yesterday. I was gone pretty much all day, at work and then at Ashley's house. When I did get home, I checked the mail out of habit, sure that my mom would have already gotten it.
Turns out, she hadn't. And, turns out as well, even though I haven't written back to Jeremy yet, there was a letter for me!

And, inside, there was a Christmas surprise for me. My Christmas present from Jeremy. I was so happy. It was a map of Finland, where he is right now. It was so nice.

Lately, I've been feeling .. unconnected to Jeremy.

Before he left, he was in every part of my life, almost. There was hardly anything I did without him, and if I did it without him, I would tell him about it later. It was the same with his life. We were best friends, in every meaning of the word. But it was more than that. We sort of .. completed each other. In a totally unromantic way. His strengths overcame my weaknesses and vise versa. We looked out for each other and understood each other implicitly. We knew when to talk, when to be silent, when to make the other one just cry it out or when to make them laugh. I knew Jeremy so well, I really could tell you what he would say or do in certain situations.

This was painfully apparent on our last double date, right before he left. I say painfully because we both knew it was our last double date for a long while. It was hard, because I knew before he left how much I would miss him, how hard it would be on me.

When he left, I felt .. smaller. I literally felt as if someone had taken a piece of me away. What was I supposed to do then? I had no idea. So I just kept doing what I normally did, living life away. But it was hard, because everything I did, Jeremy's absence was so obviously apparent to me. It was a huge, gaping hole. I feel bad for anyone who had to be around me at the time, for I'm sure I talked of Jeremy and nothing else.

I went to the New Year's Eve institute dance, less than two weeks after Jeremy left. It was fun, and I'm glad I went, but it was so hard. I hadn't ever gone to a dance without Jeremy before, excepting school dances. When they played swing songs, I wanted to cry. There were times, even six months after Jeremy left, when I would be planning something and would, without even thinking about it, start driving to pick Jeremy up or get out my phone with the intent to call him. Then I'd realize, oh, he's in Finland.

Then, something that everyone told me would happen started to happen--I started missing him less. But I wasn't sure it was a good thing. I hardly thought about him at all, except when I went to email or write him. My life, once so full of Jeremy even with him gone, was now, well, Jeremy-less. I went to work, church, school, and dance. Most of my friends were people I'd met since he'd left. Everything I did had nothing to do with Jeremy. It scared me to death, especially with the new development of not seeing him for almost two more years.

I just hated feeling distanced from my cousin, my best friend, my other half.

Yesterday, though, his gift did something he couldn't have known it would do. It helped me feel not so distanced, not so separate from him. I have it hanging up, right where I can see it, right now.

Jeremy and I will always be best friends. I understand that, know that to my core. I know when I see him again, it will be like we were never apart. I know that even though we're different people now, we're stronger, and that will make our friendship stronger. And, looking at this map now, I understand that with my heart rather than just with my head.

Merry Christmas everyone. It's already been a great one for me.

100 and counting ..

I was thinking today about my hundred guys goal, and it got me wondering how many guys I've gone out with now. After I reached a hundred, I stopped counting. I haven't paid too much attention to statistics in regards to dates since then. Today, I tried to figure it out, to remember. And, through it's been a year and a half since I finished my 100 dates project, I really haven't been out with all that many more guys. Like, ten. My high school self would be shocked.

Granted, I have been on a lot of dates, just with guys who were already my hundred, or with my boyfriend. Seven of those fourteen months, I was in a relationship with someone. And I also could have gone with more if I had wanted to, a few more anyways. It just seems to me like I've been slacking in the dating area for a long time.

1. Wyatt Foulger
2. Dane Carlson
3. Nate Burton
4. This kid in my old singles ward who I have to admit, I really don't remember his name ...
5. Brent .. I never knew his last name
6. Trenton Stapley
7. Jeff Wright
8. Myles Broadhead
9. Trevon something or other, never knew his last name either
10. Chris Hendrickson

So. Ten. Pathetic, compared to high school, can I just say? And, while I was dating Ben, or had just broken up with him and didn't want to go on dates, only six asked me out, so I would only have six more.

Maybe I should try for 150, or 200, or something. Then at least I'd get dating, which is something I probably should do more of.

Lincoln

I just got home from watching Lincoln. I am not a big Civil War person; I mean, it happened, I learned about it in school, I passed the test. I do NOT like war movies. I am a total girl when it comes to movies. I am. But let me tell you something.

This movie was amazing.

Lincoln was the kind of person that I hope to be someday. He was .. incredible. Words do not describe how  incredible. Textbooks don't stand a chance.

I hope you all will take the chance to watch this movie, or read the book (something I have yet to do but that  is now on my list). The Civil War has never been very .. related to me, very real. This movie changed that for me. I love Abraham Lincoln and what he did. It makes me want to change the way I treat other people, the way I view other people. And it makes me ask myself, what am I going to do, in this world?

What am I going to do?

Nothing is more beautiful than ..

Going to dance frustrated and driving home happy. 

Watching the girl you teach struggle and struggle with leap 23's, until one week, she does them, full speed, across the floor. 

Leaping higher than you thought you could and moving faster than seems possible. 

Finally hearing where a step goes in the music. 

The last minute, tight, I-love-you hug you get after you teach. 

Watching your favorite little girl in the world dance around her house, not even thinking about. 

Showing off to a little girl you teach and seeing in her eyes, I want to do THAT. Show me how to dance like THAT. 

That moment, the smaller than split second moment, when you are in a leap or a jump and everything freezes in the air. You literally defy gravity, hanging above the floor with nothing to support you but the momentum you created just a breathe ago. 

Feeling shaky and exhausted and ready for bed, not thinking you can keep dancing. Until you actually start dancing. And that moment, the one where you forget everything except for the step, that moment is beautiful. There is nothing else, but dance. Nothing else matters, except lining up the steps and your feet and the sounds with the music. And when you do, when everything falls into place and you hit it right on, with crossed, turned out feet and loud sounds, well, it's amazing. Indescribable. Rare. 

But you know what's really beautiful? 

Dance. 

I am a song lyrics kind of girl.

There's a beautiful fact about music--when people listen to it, everyone hears something different. It's all to do with their backgrounds, what's going on in their lives right now, and their personality. Everyone is different and is going to take something different from a song.

When musicians listen to a song, they hear the instruments, they hear the beat and the rhythm and the tempo. They hear how all the sounds blend together in a fascinating way. When singers listen to a song, they hear the notes, the talent (or maybe lack thereof) of the artist singing the song. I can appreciate a nice beat, can tell if it's a guitar or piano, can have an opinion on whether or not I like the singer. But, I am a song lyrics girl. The first thing I notice in the song is the lyrics, and that's what sticks with me from the song. The lyrics determine for me whether I like the song or not.

These are some lyrics from song that I find particularly beautiful ...

"Sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part .."
-93 Million Miles From The Sun, Jason Mraz

"... Then I look into my nephew's eyes .. Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible lie."
-Some Nights, Fun

"I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily, I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make ... I had to learn what I got and what I'm not and who I am."
I Won't Give Up, Jason Mraz

"I feel my heart start beating to my favorite song .. I'd rather be comma than a full stop ..."
-Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall, Coldplay

"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."
-Scientist, Coldplay

"And everyday I see the news, all the problems that we could solve and when a situation rises, just write it into an album .."
-Secrets, One Republic

"And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?"
-Everything, Lifehouse