Some thoughts in my head

College is frying my brain. Don't believe me? Just spend five minutes with me and you'll see what I mean. I keep forgetting everything. When I go home, I leave everything in Orem. When I'm in Orem, I leave everything at home. I also keep panicking about being late, when I'm not really late. This needs to stop. But I did well on my midterms and so maybe I'm learning something?

Jeremy is leaving. In like two months. I'm not really sure how feel about this. Mostly I just try not to think about it. I am really glad he's going, because it's what he needs to do and what he wants to do and it's all around a fantastic thing. In fact, I can't think of anything better. But at the same time, he's my best friend and he's going to be gone for two years. That's kind of a long time. And I'm going to miss him like crazy. He's the one I go to when I need to talk about anything and he's the one I do practically everything with. I know it'll be fine and blah blah blah, and it is fine. Except when it's not. I think I'll just go back to not thinking about it.

Guys are also my mind. Quite often, actually. Usually this is a good thing. I was actually talking to my roommates about this very thing the other night. We decided that guys made things so much more difficult, but in a good way. I'm not really sure how that works; luckily, I don't need to explain it because you know what I mean. If not, then ... sorry. But guys are, yes, a very good thing.

It really has amazed me lately how one person can make your whole life better, without trying or even knowing they are doing so. This happens to me all the time. I can't tell you how many times I have been having a bad day and my mom or brothers (or both) have cheered me up despite my grouching at them. All the time I'll get on Facebook and Jeremy will be talking with me and say something that cheers me up. This sort of thing happened to me today actually. I was just feeling sort of icky inside today (I don't know if you ever have days like that) and someone texted me and it simply made my day so much better. I love moments like that.

Also, liking someone who likes you back might just be the best feeling in the world. Just saying.

That's what has been on my mind this past weekend. And a while before that. It feels good to get them out. Sometimes, you just gotta write some things out.

A Beautiful Heartbreak

I really like this song. It says exactly right the belief that I am holding onto with all my heart right now: that the Lord knows what he's doing and I just have to trust him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk

A Happy Stomach

Today I was told I should just write without fretting over every sentence more. That way it is more sincere. So here goes.

Right now, in my life, I am feeling really good. Just happy. And I'm not talking right now as in this moment or today. I've felt like this all week. It's pretty nice. There are a lot of contributing factors here. I mean, A LOT.

For one, I really am beginning to like college. The longer I'm here, the more I like it. Even the studying part. Although, I will say, I do not, really not, enjoy writing papers. Ugh. However, I have done well on all the tests I've taken thus far, which helped considerably with me liking school.

Also, I love dance. My dance class is the best thing to ever happen in my life. Every week, I go to dance and come away feeling on top of the world. We laugh and work hard and laugh more and eat hot tamales and laugh some more. Plus, dancing in general is great, so put the two together and you have a recipe for a happy girl.

Another thing, guys are really cute and that makes me happy. 'Nuff said.

And of course, my family is so amazing. Every time I go home, I realize how lucky I am to have been born into the family I was born into. College is really fun and I like it a lot, but my family is so great that sometimes, I just don't want to leave. Like today. It's nice to have something to miss.

The last thing is the Gospel. The last little while, I've been on a spiritual down. Church just wasn't seeming too interesting and I didn't really feel like going to all the extra meetings and firesides as much. Starting a little over a week ago, though, something changed. I don't know why or how, but I know that I really like it. I am so grateful to be a part of God's work and to know and feel of His love. It sounds cheesy, but it's true. Knowing that I am His daughter and that He loves me helps me more in my life than anything else. It gives me not only happiness, but peace and strength.

That's the kind of happiness I am feeling right now. The kind that you feel deep in your stomach. The kind that lasts, forever.

Just me

Here are just some thoughts. I'm not trying for attention or compliments here. Just don't worry about it. It's one of those things that I've been thinking a lot about lately, so I thought I'd write about it; that always seems to help.

What I'm insecure about myself

1. My teeth. I don't think they're white enough, the bottom teeth aren't as straight as they could be (both are my fault), and they're too big.

2. My arms. They're just awkward. Also, my hands.

3. When I leave my hair curly, I feel like it's too messy and frizzy. Just a thought.

4. When I'm sitting down in pants, my thighs look really big. I'm not really sure why.

5. Sometimes I smile too big. Like, in pictures. It just looks funny.

6. My nose. Ugh.

7. Sometimes I get really shy in a new crowd. It's dumb, but I don't know how to not.

8. When I eat sandwiches. I just feel like it is not my favorite thing to do in public.

9. My singing voice. I always worry that I sound terrible when I sing, especially in church.

10. My posture and the way I sit.

What I like about myself

1. My eye color and long eye lashes. Probably my best feature.

2. Also my hair color.

3. That I can dance. I love that so much.

4. That I look a lot like my Grandma Pat.

5. The shape of my face. I just like it.

6. My cleanliness. Yes.

7. My writing ability. I may not be the best writer out there, but I'm glad I know how.

8. My family and friends. They are such a part of me and I'm so grateful I got good ones!

9. My testimony. I really love that I was born into the gospel.

10. That I'm a daughter of God. That kind of makes everything else better, doesn't it?

My Ignorant Heroes

These are just some people who helped me in some way in my life without even knowing their actions were making a difference to me. :)

1. The random kid I followed through two parking lots to campus the first day of school because I didn't know for sure how to get there from my apartment the short way and he looked like he knew where he was going. Turns out, he did and it was the same place that I needed to be.

2. The lady who drove me to the hospital when I needed stitches so that my mom could sit in the back seat with me.

3. The founder of Yogurtland.

4. The guy and his two sons who pushed my car out of the middle of the intersection after my accident.

5. The guy who baptized my brother and I every time we went to the temple on Thursdays. When he wasn't there, our day wasn't as complete.

6. Everyone who tucked in their chairs after using the computer in Bingham's library so that when I came to clean it, I didn't have to.

7. Every guy who holds open the door for me. It happened today, in fact. Every time, it makes my day.

8. The person on the freeway the other day who let me in when I needed to merge.

9. Brittney Ford, this girl in my dance class a long time ago. She was in high school and I was in seventh grade, but she was still so nice to me. I look back now and think how grateful I am that she was so patient with me, because I know I was more than a little annoying back then, but she was a real friend to me.

10. The laurels in my ward when I was a beehive/miamaid. They were such great examples to me of how a daughter of God should act.

11. My friend Christian. He helped me get through the hardest part of my high school career without even knowing I was having a hard time. Also, he's just a happy person and that makes me happy.

12. Sarah, Tiffany, Kelli, and Olivia. They were my friends at points in my life when I just needed a friend.

13. Mr. Anderson, my fifth grade teacher. He influenced me more than any teacher I've ever had and I bet he doesn't even remember who I am. It's amazing.

There are so many in my life everyday. It's hard to remember, sometimes, to be grateful for people like this, people who smile and make your day better. And it's nice to think that maybe, if we do our best to think of others, we can be this kind of hero to someone else who needs us at that particular moment.

"True Christ-like service is rarely convenient." -anonymous

Not So Straight Hair

So I hate my hair. I am in the mood for it to be straight, but apparently it doesn't feel the same.

On the plus side, life is pretty good right now. School is stressful; I feel like my homework load is significantly increasing. However, I'm actually starting to like my history class at last, so this is a good thing.

Also, I feel like dance is great. And my class. And teaching. Mondays are my favorite, because I get to go to dance. Saturdays are my next favorite, since that's when I teach. And then Wednesdays (although, that's been a bit sporadic thus far) because that's my other class. Then Sundays because I actually get to sleep in and not feel even a little bit guilty about it, which is wonderful. Sleeping in general is wonderful.
This was kind of a random post. I'm just in a weird mood right now. It happens.

Sometimes, science should just die ...

So, I just sat and worked on science pretty much all day. And now my brain is fried and I feel like I don't understand a single thing we've learned since our first test. Needless to say, my feelings are not very nice towards science at the moment.

Don't get me wrong. I love my science class. I have the best friend ever in that class. She makes my week every time I'm with her. Also, my teacher is super funny. Everyday he comes into class and says "Welcome to Physical Science 1000," before starting his lectures. His lectures wouldn't be very interesting except for the fact that he randomly sings songs, picks certain words to say really loud, says sauce pan in an unusual way, and gets very excited about science stuff. He's my favorite; I want to meet his wife.

However, I'm really struggling with interest at this point. The first section, I did great. I was able to understand everything he talked about in class, I worked on the reading and homework everyday, and I actually did really well on the test. It surprised me because I expected science to be my least favorite class when I signed up for it. I'm not a science girl.

Well, now I'm thinking that again. I am so worried because this section seemed really short and we turn in our homework and take our test this next week. I feel terribly unprepared, not because I haven't read or gone to class (since I have), but because I haven't understood it at all. Half the time, I didn't even know what his lecture was supposedly on.

So, we'll see how this goes. Unless science dies first.

Ring Around the Rosie

College is kind of weird experience for me. Because I live so close to my home and because I come back so often for dance and family parties and because my best friend (who I do pretty much everything with) lives in West Jordan, at times it feels like I never actually left home. And yet, I miss them still. I'm not really sure how that works. But it does.

One of the things I miss the very most, though, is my cute little cousin, my best friend. The song Smile describes what she does for me perfectly. The song is known in my family as our 'Makayla song'.

The words "Even when you´re gone, somehow you come along, just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that, you steal away the rain and just like that, you make me smile ... " seem especially true to me here at college. Sometimes college is really frustrating and, at times, lonely. Knowing, though, that I have a little girl at home who loves me is the best thing in the whole world and never fails to make me smile.

She is such a happy little girl. I love her running straight to me and giving me a huge hug. She shares her board games (and made up rules) with me and I take her with me to Yogurtland. Every time I'm with her, we end up just laughing together. I always help her get her food at family parties. One of our favorite things to do is take pictures together (I think she just likes pushing the button).

I truly consider her my best friend. We hang out and play, have lots of adventures, and even have inside jokes.

During the summer, we went up to Midway as a family. I was up in my room on my computer, blogging and Facebook stalking people, when Makayla came in. She sat with me for a while on the bed, but I was worried that she was getting bored, so I told her to go play with her brothers downstairs. She told me no, that she just wanted to sit up here with me. It melted my heart.

On Sunday, we had a family party. I went with Makayla and the other little girls downstairs. We played ring around the rosies over and over again and each time, the girls would laugh and laugh every time they fell down. Then would come the "Again! Again!" I played until I was dizzy. It was one of those moments of looking around and realizing how lucky I truly am to have the family that I have. In college, I feel like I appreciate my family more because I don't see them as much, but at the same time, it's easy to forget in the daily busy bustle how grateful I really am to be a part of it.

I love my cousin and will never forget our ring around the rosies moments.

Earning Pain

I find it somewhat appropriate that my first post on here will be about dancing. I am going to talk (or I guess write) about how wonderful pain from dance feels.

A few years ago, there was a girl in my class who would show off her blood blisters every time she got them. I was so jealous. She made it seem like something every dancer needed. Unfortunately, I never got one. I hardly even got blisters, much less made them bleed.

I felt somehow incomplete.

This past weekend, my dance class had an amazing workshop. We were on our toes a lot, way more than our class was used to. And my toes really started to hurt. When I took off my right shoe, I saw blood. On my sock. I started to get really excited. Sure enough, when I stripped away my sock, I found ... A blood blister!! The first of my dancing career.

It took a long while, but it finally came.

Dance does hurt. A lot at times. But it's a good kind of pain. The kind that makes you feel accomplished. The kind that makes you grow. The kind you have to earn.

And that's why I love dance. Because when I dance, I feel pain. And I know I earned it.