Have you ever written one of those blog posts that is really good for you to write, but not very creative and more journal-like, making it one that other people probably won't even care to read? I did. Today. This post, in fact.

Today was an odd sort of day for me.

I accidentally slept in. It was nice, but I missed my institute class and am so bummed about that. And guilty. I also was late for my tap class, so I just didn't go. It won't hurt my grade, since I'm doing very well in it, but that is one of the classes I actually like. But, I would rather miss than walk in late. So, instead I went to a Book of Mormon institute class with Brother Stoll. He's the father of one of my high school friends and he lets me visit his class often; it's nice.

Psychology was normal. I had a test that I did well on in Sociology. Then I left, missing my Anthropology class. It's hard to go to that class, because I took the same one last year and so it's very easy. I have an A, without really trying. But, the credits wouldn't transfer right from UVU to SLLC, and I wanted to see if it would be a better class here. It's not.

Then I got to go to my cousin's house and hang out for a bit. That was my favorite part of the day. I watched Tinker Bell, ate cheese sandwiches, colored Christmas coloring pages, and listened to Makayla read a book to me. I love kids so much. I am so excited for when I can have my own family. And, of course, I got to talk with my aunt Ardis. That was nice.

When I got home, I just sort of chilled. I thought a lot about everything in my life and really decided on some things. Not everything is figured out, but I am once again motivated to be my best. I've been feeling a little burned out as late, and I want to get back on things. I want to be able to do my best in everything.

I had work at four. It was not a good day. We were behind and we had to leave a little earlier than normal, because our hours are so cut back. It was the first time in ... a very long time that I haven't finished everything. I don't even remember the last time I didn't. I didn't like it. Plus I get to open tomorrow, which is always fun after I close. And we have so much to do tomorrow. It makes me tired just thinking about it. But, I think that's good practice for my mission. Maybe?

It was a lazy day, sort of, for me. But also, I feel that I have made progress in a lot of ways. Basically, I still have a lot to figure out, but now I am motivated to actually figure it out. And that's the first step.

93 Million Miles from the Sun

I think I've given up on my other blog. It's been so long since I've posted on it, and even those posts were mediocre. Maybe someday I'll get back to it. But I somehow doubt that. Really.

 I really should be going to bed now, it's late (for me) and I need to get up early tomorrow. But I really loved when President Monson, in conference, about writing in his journal everyday, no matter how late it was or how early he had to get up the next morning. I love that; I want to do that too, everyday for the rest of my life. And this counts as a sort of journal, right? Besides, I'm in a big writing mood right now. And I certainly have enough thoughts to jot down here; they might be scrambled, but .. there is no shortage of them.

Some thoughts:

I think I'm getting a cold. I really, really, really, really, really do not want to get sick. I do not have time to get sick. No sir.

Dance was so awesome today. We laughed our freaking faces off danced so hard. I felt like I really gave everything I had to it and I am so exhausted. But exhausted in that good, I-accomplished-something-today way. I love dance. I love the feeling that comes when you are in the air and your legs are doing some complicated hard thing but they feel strong and you know you are flying. Flying. What a feeling.

I think I accidentally coerce people into doing things I want them to. If you have ever been one of these people, I apologize. It's just because I love you, if you are. I remember one time in the summer, I went to Ogden to go on a date with Ben. We were going to go hiking. While I was waiting for him to change, I invited his roommate Ashton to come with us. When Ben came out, he also invited Ashton to come. Ashton told him that I had already invited him, and Ben just said, "I know." When I asked how he would know that, he replied that it was because I "always did that." I was a little taken aback. I hadn't ever really realized that I did that. Ever since then, though, I've noticed it. I think sometimes, it can be a good thing, but I want to be careful that it doesn't become a bad thing either.

I reread the Hunger Games last night. It was better the first time. I still like it though. I love Peeta, I decided. I also read it faster this time around. Hmmm.

North Carolina apparently doesn't get very cold. Good news for me! But it does get humid. This will be very interesting. I don't think this whole I'm going on a mission thing has become very real to me yet. Everyone says it's exciting or asks me if I'm excited, and I am. But it really just feels unreal to me still. It has yet to sink in.

Makayla is so funny. I am so glad I get to spend so much time with her, and my family. I am so blessed.

I cannot stop listening to this song. It is so great; I love lyrics and these ones, to me, are simply beautiful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5WiqJFq2-o

Those are just a few of my scattered thoughts. I left out all the really confused, heavy ones for now. I feel like I have a whole lot to think about in my life right now and I just want to figure it out. But I will, eventually. And like the song says, I can always come back home.

I'm grateful for ...

My family. 

My friends. 

My mission call. 

Dance. 

Christmas. 

My chickens. 

Sleep. 

My job and especially the people I work with. 

Jeremy. 

The Gospel. 

My life. 

Charlotte, North Carolina

That was definitely not what I was expecting. I think I was expecting a foreign mission; I admit, I am a bit relieved that it isn't. I would have gone willingly, but I am glad to be in the U.S. and to be English speaking. I like the sound of North Carolina. I don't know much about it, but I do know that it feels great knowing I'll be going there. And my aunt is right, it fits me. Charly in North Carolina. Yep.

The most surprising, and I admit, a little bit unwelcomed, part was finding out that I won't be leaving until April 3. That seems like forever away. And it was NOT what I was planning. As I'm learning more and more  in my life, though, is that Heavenly Father's plan is not always the same as ours, but His is always the right one. I know I can count on that.

The thing is, when I heard that I could leave right now on a mission, my first thought was, now I can leave and get back close to the same time as Jeremy. Honest, that was the first thing I thought. And I figured, if I left in January, I would get home about six months after him. That's not too long, two and a half years. That's not even really enough time for him to get married. I mean, he could, but it's also short enough that he could wait those couple months.

Now, though, I won't get home until almost a year after Jeremy. That means I will go three years without seeing him. I know, that really isn't that long, and he's my cousin. And we can write to each other. And we'll both be busy. And the time will fly by. And blah blah blah, blah blah. Honestly, I don't care about any of that. All I really want is to see my best friend. I still miss him everyday, even though it's been almost a year since he's been gone. Every day. He really is more than a best friend to me; he is my other half and I hate being apart from him. I hate it more than anything in the world. When I saw April third, a piece of me wanted to cry.

There are some great things about that. I can keep dancing for a while longer, which is really nice. And I can save up more money. And, most importantly, now I will most likely get to be here for my mom's wedding, which is such a happy thing.

But ... I still just want to leave. I want to go, right now. And I want to get back. I want to see Jeremy.

I was thinking on my drive home today about something my friend Quinn said when we were talking about the age change. He noted that a lot of girls who weren't going to go before now were, and said something to the effect of "now that it's convenient for them .." That statement made me pause; I have already done a blog post all about how 'convenient' it is for me to now serve a mission. I know that the Lord has been preparing my life so that I would be able to go out and serve. However, I wanted to just leave as soon as I could, because that was "convenient" for me. Now the Lord is asking me to wait, five months. That means it's only seven months sooner than I could have gone before the age change and that really doesn't seem like that long to me.

But, I have to ask myself, am I willing anyways? Am I okay to say to the Lord, I trust you. Do I trust Him enough to go, and to be okay with it? So Jeremy could get married while I'm gone, without me there. And I won't see him for a very long time. Two more years. When he left, I thought, Two years is soooo long. How can I go two years without Jeremy? Now I'm back to that same thought. But the thing is, oh well. Oh well if Jeremy gets married without me there. He and I will always be friends and he'll just have to take lots of pictures. Oh well that I won't see him, we CAN still write and we're both doing what we're supposed to be doing.

I don't think people really understand when I tell them that Jeremy is my best friend. Explaining to people how closely bonded I am with Jeremy is like trying to explain to people how much a part of me dance is. For the most part, they don't really get it. But Jeremy and I have a friendship deeper than words, and we always will. I love Richard G. Scott's talk from April 2011. He talks about his wife quite a bit and ends by saying, "I am confident that when, in our future, I see her again beyond the veil, we will recognize that we have become even more deeply in love. We will appreciate each other even more, having spent this time separated by the veil." I love that. And I think, though it's a different context and even a different kind of relationship, I can say that I too am confident that I will see Jeremy soon, and that when we do see each other, we will realize that we appreciate each other even more have spent this time apart. We will have our testimonies strengthened, and we will be stronger people. I know that I am already that way in the year since he left and I can only imagine what the next two years, with preparing for and going on, a mission will do, and who I will become. I am excited to see, and I cannot wait until the time when I can show Jeremy that as well.

Imperfections and All

Dating has always been a big part of my life, ever since I was old enough to date. The day I turned sixteen, I went on my first date. It was planned that way, because it was a dream that I had always had, for as long as I can remember. My hundred dates challenge made things really interesting, and fun, in the area of dating during high school for me. I loved it. It was so much fun. Then, I got into college, and dating seemed a little bit different.

It was still fun. Jeremy and I planned a few dates just like the 'old days' and I got asked on a few dates, but it was definitely a little different. I definitely have gone on a lot less dates since then. This past year and a half, I've gone out with less guys than I did in simply my summer following senior year. I could have gone with more, I admit. I have turned down some (thought not that many) guys-for various reasons. And I have had a couple of actual relationships, which are lot different than just going out for fun. I learned a lot of lessons on my hundred dates, about friendship and fun and talking with people. I learned how to better interact with people and the importance of listening. What I've learned in the dating I've done since high school, though, has taught me a lot of very different lessons. Mostly, those lessons were things I learned about myself.

I have a weird sense of self, I think. I understand that I have value. I don't think I suffer from any major self-esteem problems or anything. But at the same time, I get very self-conscious about what others, particularly with boys that I like. I was talking with my aunt recently. I told her that I just get shy talking with this boy. She told me that no one would believe that someone who had gone out with a hundred different guys could be shy. I told her, "Well, I didn't like THEM!" And that's true. Most of the time, I am a little concerned, but not majorly stressed, about what others might think of me. But when it comes to a guy I like, I freak myself out.

Or at least, I used to. For as long as I can remember, that's how I've been. When I really liked a guy, it was so hard for me to show it and to talk with him and to let other people know that I liked him. Now, though, not as much. It's still there a little, but I'm starting to realize that this problem is not nearly as bad as it used to be.

See, I understand that I have things about me--like everyone else--that are good qualities. I have an okay impressive resume, if you will, for dating. While I fully understand and recognize that, however, I also know that there are things about me that can be annoying and imperfect and I don't like that. The last thing I want to be in a relationship is annoying. So, I stay quiet or stress about it and that hinders me.

Before, I would look mostly at the negative side of things in regards to this. I would only see the annoying stuff, the reasons why they wouldn't like me. I remember once, Jeremy knew a guy who liked me and I liked him as well; I was stressing out about liking him and Jeremy calmed me down by letting me know that this guy liked me a lot as well. It blew me away; I had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. I know that a lot of people go through this as well, but it was a huge deal for me. The one major relationship I have been in was really hindered by my view on this.

Now, though, I think I am able to push the good things up just a little bit above the bad. I understand that I deserve a great guy. I understand it to my core, not just in my head. I understand it in a way that changes the way I behave. And I like that. I don't want to get cocky and I still have lots of things I am working on. I still don't want to be annoying. But, I'm not worried about it as much anymore. I am just taking a chill pill about it. I want a guy who loves me, even when I'm having an annoying or needy or moody day. I want to be able to just be with him without worrying that I'm acting in 'the wrong' way. I know I deserve a relationship like that and that really helps with the balance between my good and bad qualities. Sometimes, I see the bad qualities all too clearly. But I am learning to let myself (and others) be happy with me, imperfections and all.

The kind of person ..

There are a lot of people in this world I want to be more like. My brother Jon. My mom. My dance teacher. Ashley. My whole dance class. Sometimes, I look at people and think, man. I wish I could be like that. The biggest example of this is, of course, the Savior. Right now in one of my institute classes, we are studying the New Testament and it is hitting me more than ever just how perfect He really was. Isn't amazing that we can be like that too, someday? I think it is. This post, however, I want to talk about someone in particular in my life that I wish I was more like--my aunt Ardis.

Ardis has always been a friend to me, for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, she lived in Arizona, but I remember emailing her, back and forth. I was always so excited to talk to her; I would spend what felt like forever to little girl me painstakingly typing out a few precious sentences about what was happening in my life. I looked forward to her emails a lot. We even had nicknames for each other.

As I grew older, Ardis started having more kids and moved back to Utah. I sure love her kids, always have. If I turn out to be half the mother that Ardis is to her kids, the my own children will turn out alright. My senior year of high school, I got in the habit of stopping by her house whenever I had time on the way to dance, to see Makayla. Their house always had an open invitation extended to me. I took advantage of that even more so when I left for college. I would come back three times a week from Orem to go  to dance. There were many days when I would come back and be early. Without enough time and gas money to go all the way home and back to my studio, but not wanting to sit in my car, I would end up at Ardis's. I also would sometimes leave early on purpose, just so I'd have time to stop by their house.

When I broke up with Ben, everyone was there for me with a waiting ear and ready to say they were there for me. I did feel very loved, but the one I called and asked if they could talk was Ardis. I knew she would understand and I knew very much that she cared; I also felt comfortable talking with her. She had found ways to be involved in my life before this and had let me know that she wanted to know about my life. That's just the kind of person she is.

Ardis has so many traits that I want to have someday.

She is such a good mother. You see that in all the little things she does with and for her kids. You also see it in the way her kids behave, and how much they all love her. One of the reasons I so much love spending time at her house is that when I am there, I get to see that.

She is the perfect person to talk with. She gets excited about all the right things, understands when things are tough, and gives the best advice. One of my favorite things about talking with Ardis is that she always tells me about her life, about her experiences. And she always leaves me with something new to think over in regards to whatever it is we were talking about. One of my very favorite things in the world are the talks I have with Ardis.

She gives so much. She gives to her kids, to her family, to everyone. I don't know that I could even name one selfish thing I have seen her do. She is always thinking of others and what she can do for them and how she can include them. She is such a great example to me of charity.

There are lot of things that Ardis says and does which impress me. More than that though, there is a something deeper. All the little actions and words come from an attitude towards life and others that is hard to explain. All I know is, I can recognize it in Ardis and I hope to one day recognize it in myself. I'll be successful in my life if I can become the kind of person my aunt Ardis is.

My eyes are wet; my heart is full.

That's a line from the hymn we sang today in relief society--Testimony. 137, I think. It's not as well known, but I really liked the lyrics. Especially that line. That is how I feel today. 

I love Sundays, especially fast Sundays. My ward, oh my goodness, I am so blessed. I love testimony meeting in our ward. I always come away feeling loved, feeling blessed, and feeling uplifted. I never come away from it without feeling in a million different ways that Lord is taking care of our lives. 

After church, Jon and I made brownies in our smoothie, with sugar in the raw. I love brownies. I LOVE BROWNIES. I really love them. These were so good. Not as good as the ones made out of the box, but I have yet to find a recipe that does. And these were pretty darn good. 

Before church, I started writing a novel. A novel, I recently found out, has to be 40000 words. I have 187 so far. That's okay. I'm not really daunted by it. I'm sure by the time I get my words all out on paper, there will be plenty more than necessary. It's not the quantity of words that worries me, it's the quality of those words. But, I am very determined to write this. I mean, I have started many books in my lifetime. Many, many books. I have always wanted to write. I just get frustrated with every one I start, because when I go back and read it, I realize that it's not very good. Then, it's hard to be motivated to keep writing because I feel like it's pointless. Or I'll get so many ideas and try writing them all at once that nothing finishes. But, I am determined to finish this time. I will focus right now on writing it as much as I can and THEN I can go back to edit it. The story I have chosen to write is important to me, so even if I didn't get it published, I want to finish it and that's good motivation to keep writing. I have a good quote to think about now as well. 

"Stick to your task 'till it sticks to you. 

Beginners are many. Finishers are few. 

Honor, power, place, and praise 

Will always come to the one that stays. 

Stick to your task 'till it sticks to you. 

Sweat at it, bend at it, smile at it too. 

For out of the bend and the sweat and the smile, 

Will come life's victories, after a while." 

-Thomas S. Monson 

Jon and I gathered up our ward for mission prep and it was awesome. I love all of the youth in our ward. I absolutely love that my calling is to help teach the 15/16-year-old Sunday school class. They may be few in number, but they're all so awesome. I do love our ward. Have I said it enough in this post for you to believe me yet? 

After mission prep, Jon and I went straight to a fireside. It was wonderful. The topic was perfect for me--all about how our lives don't always turn out the way we plan, but that we can build our lives on correct principles, and that will bring us happiness in our life, so that we don't rely on outside circumstances for that. 

At the fireside, I also got to hang out with some of my favorite people-namely Ashely. And Bakery Bryan came. He's so cool. We call him that because he works in the bakery at our work and he's friends with all of us girls at the Deli, but there's another Brian who works at Macey's as a bagger. Only, we're not really fans of that Brian as much. So. Yes. Also, a guy that I met in my institute class came, with one of his friends. It was really quite fun. 

Jon and I finished off the day by going to my grandparent's house, where my cousins also were. We are so blessed to have had the day together, and to have our family so close that we can see them so often. It's amazing to me how the Lord just pours out the blessings. 

Also, this is song is basically my favorite right now. 93 Million Miles by Jason Mraz. It's a catchy tune, but the lyrics are absolutely beautiful. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5WiqJFq2-o