Happy Easter!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICcjgBrG-oM

No need to say goodbye ...

I do this thing when I'm driving at night by myself, where I find songs that are ... more melancholy. Not depressing, just a little bit sad. Slower. The kind that make you sigh. It's one of my favorite things to do in the whole world. 

On Monday night, I was driving home in the dark, by myself. Just like I've done every Monday for the past three years (the years before that, we had dance at various times and days, and also my mom drove me). As I was driving, though, I couldn't help but think about all the years of driving home from dance I've had. Especially driving home's like the one I was experiencing right at that particular moment. 

 I remember driving home always feeling simply on top of the world. The thing about my dance class is we don't only go to dance and dance, we go to dance and laugh so hard we can't breathe. We work hard together, but we also laugh hard together. You know that great feeling you get after you work out? And you know the most wonderful feeling in the world of laughing for two hours straight? That's what dance is, those two feelings combined. 

My senior year of high school, when I was done with school and living at home and everything seniors get tired of (life in general, mostly), dance is where I turned. Literally. I would sit in class (all of which, at that point, were so pointless, just in case anyone was wondering) and write out our dances, or count them out in my head. I would even, sometimes, pull out my iPod and just listen to the songs, dancing the dances in my head. That's what I would do at work, too. Because I did custodial work and it was always the same route, everyday for three years, I didn't have to think much about what I was doing, so I would put the dance music playing on my iPod and go through the dances, one at a time. I pretty much choreographed my section of couples at work. 

Dance was the very best thing about high school for me, followed shortly by my few really good friends and the many dates I went on. But dance was the best. 

Then, when I was a senior, I got into BYU-Idaho and I really wanted to go. I was scared to death of moving away and I was sad to leave everything, but I was stoked. I had roommates, that I was friends with on Facebook already, and classes and housing and everything. And I was stoked. But, thinking about leaving dance made me cry. All the time. Jeremy told me he thought I was too attached. He didn't understand how much a part of me dance had become. 

I would drive home the last couple of months and weeks from dance and cry, every week. I would think, I only have three more weeks of this and then it's over. And it broke my heart, more than I can say. 

Then, for many reasons, but mostly because I didn't want to leave dance and the opportunity to teach dance, I decided I would go to UVU. I remember Katelyn Duncan's last dance performance, up at Payson. It would have been mine too, if I hadn't decided what I'd decided. She cried, of course. It made me cry, watching her cry and knowing that I wouldn't have to leave. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNsQewlFtEs

When I was ten, I was in both ballet and Irish. After a year of that, I had to choose between the two. I chose Irish. I used to always say it was the best decision I'd ever made in my life. Actually, though, UVU was, because these past three years of dancing have been the best of my life. I love my dance class so much. 

Now, I'm going off and doing more stuff in life. I'd be leaving anyways, what with my now-on-hold mission call. That was the only part of putting in my papers that was hard--knowing I'd have to leave dance. With BYU and getting married and hopefully the folk dance team and work, I don't know if I'm going to have time for dance anymore. I definitely want to keep teaching my little girls. I don't know what will happen next year. 

I do know, though, that no matter what, dance will always be a huge part of me. My dance classes and dance teachers have impacted me more than they will ever know. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for all them. Especially my Hot Tamales. 

I might stop dancing soon. And you know what? It breaks my heart just as much now as it did three years ago to think about it. Breaks my heart. 

Dance does that to a person.

Soooo, I'm getting married. And this is why.

Can I tell you a story? 

Me and Jeremy :)

Once, I was seventeen-years-old. And Jeremy, my best friend in the whole world, was turning eighteen. That's because he is older than me by a month; he loves to rub that in. I'm mostly fine with it. When he turned eighteen, he decided to hold a birthday party. And, acting very much like he always did, he told me about this party three days before it was supposed to take place. I already plans, having committed to babysit for a family in my ward. But, I knew that I would have killed Jeremy if he missed my birthday, so I told him I would be there. Late. 

I just didn't realize how late. It seemed to me the forces were against me that night. I'm a Troff, though, and very stubborn. I got to the party so late that almost everyone else had gone home. To my surprise, there was kid there (who hadn't gone home yet) that I didn't know. AND he was really cute. 

This is the kid

So, this cute kid and I shared some discreet looks across the room, and shyly avoided each other until the party was over. We only talked once, while helping Brynndi get her shoes on. But he did push my car out of the snow. I found out his name was Benjamin Anderson and I fell asleep thinking of him. 

Ben had a crush on me after that weekend. He started doing things that kind of weirded me out a little. Ben now claims he thought he was being discreet. Ha. It was just little things, mostly through Facebook, but when a guy likes you and you don't like him, you can always tell. I decided that I didn't want to like him and mostly avoided talking to him when I could. 

After I turned eighteen, near the beginning of January, I was at work when Jeremy called me. He asked what I was doing on Friday, but then wouldn't tell me why he wanted to know. I knew it was because Ben was going to call and ask me out and I was right. I said yes, of course, because I was in the process of dating a hundred guys and he seemed cool enough, as a friend. 

That date was my favorite of my hundred. It was so fun. We made sock puppets, the boys put on a puppet show, we played this hilarious game, and we watched Psych. I just remember laughing my head off and falling for Ben. I fell hard that night. 

We were both shy, and neither of us was certain of the other's feelings. We didn't see each other a ton the next few months, but the more I got to know him, even back then, the more I was certain that Ben was the kind of guy I wanted to marry. 

Things were a little shaky during the summer and right as I was starting college. Ben even dated another girl for a few weeks. I had eyes only for Ben. After he broke up with the other girl, things between us started escalating and almost exactly a year after our first date (a few weeks after Jeremy left on his mission), Ben and I started dating each other exclusively.

We dated for six months. Those were both the best and the hardest six months of my life. It was the best because I was dating Ben and I have never been so happy in my life as when I'm with him. It was the hardest, though, because we were dating long distance and I missed him so much it hurt. 

At the end of June, we broke up. It wasn't because we wanted to, or because things weren't working. The Lord played a huge hand in the matter, because the timing was not right. The Lord needed Ben in Vernal, and He needed me in West Jordan, and that could not happen while we were dating. We also both needed some time to grow up. We didn't know at the time that our break up was just temporary, and so we both were trying to get over each other. That was hard. 

In October, I couldn't handle it. I knew I wasn't over Ben, and I was trying to date other people, but it wasn't working. So I talked to Ben and told him that. He answered that he wasn't sure, but that he wanted to talk again. And so, we did. In December, he let me know that he still loved me as well. By this time, I had my mission call to North Carolina, leaving April 3rd. Ben didn't tell me at the time, but his plan was to wait while I went on a mission and then date and marry me when I got home. 

Then, about three weeks ago, I sent Ben something that I had written. While reading it, he decided that he didn't want to wait. Ben wrote me a letter, telling me that. He said that if I felt I needed to go on a mission still, he was ready to wait a year and half. He just wanted me to have the choice. I prayed and fasted and went to the temple and did all the things that you are supposed to do when faced with a choice like this. And you know what? 

I felt like, if I went on a mission, God would happy. I also felt like, if I stayed here and got married, God would also be happy. When talking with my grandma later about that, she pointed out, that kind of answer makes sense, because both those things accomplish the Lord's purpose. 

And so, we're getting married. If you made it all the way through the story, congratulations. It was more for me than anyone else. There are a lot of details, a lot of promptings from the Spirit, a lot of reasons and meaning behind things, a lot of love and friendship and tears and a million other things that I left out. If I were to tell them all, I might as well write a novel about this. 

But basically, to sum it all up, we're getting married because ... 

He doesn't speed, even on the freeway.
He likes my eyebrows.
Our eyes match.
It doesn't matter what we do, we just like doing things together. And doing nothing.
He loves books.
We laugh until we can't breath.
He thinks that I have a pretty voice.
He eats oatmeal for breakfast.
He makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.
We're in love. And have been for a long time. And will be for, well, forever.

I LOVE ...

Not being sick. And actually being able to swallow. It's nice to eat again. (I lost four and a half pounds last week ...)

Having a clean room.

My brother Jon. So freaking much.
And my mom. And Luke. And that they're married.
And Eric and Alison. And that they live so close.

Church.

The Book of Mormon.

Dance. And ALL that that word entails. Seriously. All.

Sleep.

Being in love.

All the people in my life.

Letters. Both writing them and receiving them.

My little girls. And that they love me.

My job.

That I'm going to BYU.

Books. Oh man. Books.

Writing.

My whole family. All of them. Seriously. If you knew my family, you would understand.

All the people in my life. I really am so blessed, but the main reason I am blessed is because of all the wonderful people in my life who I love and who love me back. They are the reason I am happy.

Do you ever have those days that feel like the best days of your life?

I had one of those days yesterday. Let me tell you about it.

It started in the morning. I was planning on waking up at 6:37, for work. I actually woke up at 6:18, which meant I had time to eat breakfast and make my bed and clean my room and read some of The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball (that's the book I am currently reading; I'm only on page twenty, but it's already brilliant). It was a great start to my day.

Work was nice for a number of reasons. I only had a four hour shift, which is unusual, but nice. And I left at eleven, which meant I got to leave before any sort of lunch rush came in. I just went in, did a bunch of production (which I really enjoy) and then left. It was brilliant. Best shift ever.

When I got home, I was able to go running, take a shower, and then I accidentally took like a four hour nap.It was a nice nap, even if it was accidental.

When I woke up, I had the best letter I have ever gotten waiting for me. It was a beautiful letter, it even made me cry (but the good kind of crying). It was actually a dream come true for me.

I then went with Kwinn and Jon to Zac's play. We sat with his family (our cousins) and it was just hilarious. So funny. And Zac did such a good job, it's unbelievable. While I was sitting in Zac's play, I got an email on my phone telling me that a decision had been reached about my BYU application. In order to view the decision, however, I had to go sign in to a different page. I couldn't remember my password, so I had to wait all the way until I got home, which nearly killed me. But I made it.

This is what I found when I finally made it home.


Dear Charly:

Congratulations! You have been admitted to Brigham Young University to begin Spring 2013. Through your preparation and personal achievements, you have distinguished yourself from a very strong group of applicants. We believe you will make a positive contribution to the BYU community. It is a great pleasure to welcome you to our campus to pursue your educational goals. To be eligible to continue to future semesters, you must register for and complete this semester or term.

To secure your admission, it is essential for you to read the Frequently Asked Questions located at the link below and follow the instructions in question no. 1. The FAQ will also provide you with important information regarding scholarships, housing, financial aid, etc.

We encourage you to maintain the standards outlined in the University Honor Code, and we look forward to having you on campus.

Warmest regards,

R. Kirk Strong
Director of Admission Services

I am SO happy. So happy. Oh my word, so happy.

We went to Macey's, after I discovered that I got into BYU. We visited my friend Tayler there. She is so awesome and I love her. This is her last week at Macey's because she got a new job. I'm a little sad, but I think I"ll actually be able to see her more now, which is so great. And she loves her new job; I am so happy for her.

Jon and I have been planning for forever to read the BOM in 24 hours. Apparently it can be done in 22, but I'm not really sure how. We started it at 10:30 last night. By 2:30, we had fallen asleep; after four hours, we were only on page 74. Maybe you have to read it silently? But anyways, it was a fun night with Jon. I'm glad we tried and I know we'll try again sometime. I love my brother more than anyone could possibly know. It was such a great night, with him.

That was it. I feel so blessed, it's ridiculous sometimes.
But ridiculous in a good way.

Content.

Remember how I do that thing, looking back to a year ago to see what I was doing? A lot of times, that ends in either, I am so glad that I am not going through that right now, or a I wish that's what my life was right now.

Today, I'm doing that. I am looking back to where I was in February last year, and the year before, and the year before that. And you know what?

I am indifferent, looking back. I don't wish I was there, I am not glad it's over. I am just so ... content right now. No, actually, more than content. Today is the kind of day to look back and see the Lord in the details of m life. No one else could have orchestrated it so perfectly. I am so glad, though, that I am where I am at, today. I can look back and see both the good and bad times in my life, and I know that the future holds that as well. I still want to continue to grow and become a better person, and I am so excited for everything I am going to do. But today, I am ... content. All the way through my heart and out my fingertips.

Right now, I am facing a choice. I big choice. I hate that usually, but let me tell you, I have never been happier to be facing a decision as I am right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_LOOKssMpA&NR=1&feature=endscreen
This song doesn't fit the mood of my post, exactly, but I really like it. Sad songs are the prettiest.

P.S. I finished my book, story thing. I am so excited!

Just some life thoughts.

I love this song. Like, I can't stop listening to it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BukPc7ip4Ws

I've been reading a lot lately. I really like it. Words are so beautiful. I'm thinking of changing my major ... I might want to be an editor for a publisher. Deseret Book, maybe? Well, I am about half way through Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury (Fahrenheit 451, yeah him), it's so good. It is the kind of good that makes you want to laugh and cry and take pictures, all at the same time. My favorite line so far is "Cutting grass and pulling weeds can be a way of life." I thought that was beautiful. I also am in the middle of The Abolition of Man, by C.S. Lewis. If you've never read anything by him, I would highly recommend it. It doesn't matter what, just read him (but especially The Screwtape Letters or The Great Divorce, so good). But anyways, The Abolition of Man, it's really good, but hard. I mostly don't understand what he's talking about, but the stuff I do understand is brilliant and the stuff I don't understand is beautiful. Here's an excerpt. 

For every one pupil who needs to be guarded from a weak excess of sensibility there are three who need to be awakened from the slumber of cold vulgarity. The task of the modern educator is not to cut down jungles but to irrigate deserts. The right defense against false sentiments is to inculcate just sentiments. By starving the sensibility of our students we only make them easier prey to the propagandist when he comes. For famished nature will be avenged and a hard heart is no infallible protection against a weak heart. 

And another. 

We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful. 

Last one, I promise. It's my favorite part of the book so far, actually. 

I do not mean, of course, that he will make any conscious inference from what he reads to a general philosophical theory that all values are subjective and trivial. The very power of Gaius and Titius depends on the fact that they are dealing with a boy: a boy who thinks he is 'doing' his 'English prep' and has no notion that ethics, theology, and politics are all at stake. It is not a theory they put in his mind, but an assumption, which ten years hence, its origin forgotten and its presence unconscious, will condition him to take one side in a controversy which he has never recognized as a controversy at all. The authors themselves, I suspect, hardly know what they are doing to the boy, and he cannot know what is being done to him.  

So that happened. I am in such a ... reflective, almost hippie mood. I wish life wasn't so ... full of hard choices. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do, so that I could just do it. It still might be hard to do it, but at least then I would know what to do. All this not knowing is scaring me to death and I mostly hate it. 

I just have to share this last thing, even though it doesn't match anything in this post. Sorry, this is a random one. Mostly, I wrote this because I was too lazy to actually write out a journal entry for today. 

So yesterday at dance, we were doing our set dance in hard shoe alone, so we could hear what our sounds were like, etc. As I stood there, watching everyone else dance, I was blown away by how talented all the girls in my class are. It almost brought me to tears, as well, watching them and how good they were at their respective part. In some steps, one girl would be really good at the back clicks, or had such good sounds or was spot on with the music or I could go on and on. The point is, none of us did the step perfectly. We all did well, but none of us were perfect at it. But we all had parts of it that we did better than anyone else in the class. And it just made me wonder if that's how God feels, watching us in life (being a dance teacher has given me a lot of opportunities to wonder that; I'm sure I'll get even more when I'm a mother). None of is perfect at living life, but when one of us messes up or gets off the music or don't turn out our feet, He doesn't think, wow, she's a terrible dancer, why is she even here? Nope. After he tells us, wow you did SUCH a good job of hitting your back clicks. Make sure, though, to fix this part of the dance because you got a little off there. 

I just love how much Heavenly Father loves us, even when we make mistakes and even when we make the same mistakes over and over again. It again makes me think of dance. Being a teacher is so interesting, because I have watched my girls dance so much that I could tell you before they even do their step or leap 23's or whatever exactly what they will do well at during it and what they need to fix. I can tell you that I will have Molly fix her turn out, I will tell Bella to slow down her leaps, and I'll tell Fiona to straighten her front leg. But I can tell you that Molly always kicks her butt, never once misses it; Bella puts all her energy into getting higher leaps, every time; Fiona has the most beautiful, turned out feet on every leap. Just because they aren't perfect at leaps doesn't mean they aren't brilliant dancers and just because they keep making the mistakes, every week, that doesn't mean I don't love them with all my heart. Because I do. And it's so wonderful when I can see improvement, when I can tell they went home practiced that week. There is no better feeling as a teacher than to watch your student struggle with something and then one day, get it. Even if it's not perfect, that doesn't matter. Perfect has nothing to do with it. I love that dance helps me understand how Heavenly Father can love me even when I come to Him everyday and say, look, I messed up again, I am so sorry. But tomorrow, I will be better. And then the next day happens, and I have to say the exact same thing. I know He never gets tired of it, because He loves me and just wants to help me. And I know that when I make progress, even just a little bit, it makes Him happy. 

Isn't life just brilliant sometimes?