Dating has always been a big part of my life, ever since I was old enough to date. The day I turned sixteen, I went on my first date. It was planned that way, because it was a dream that I had always had, for as long as I can remember. My hundred dates challenge made things really interesting, and fun, in the area of dating during high school for me. I loved it. It was so much fun. Then, I got into college, and dating seemed a little bit different.
It was still fun. Jeremy and I planned a few dates just like the 'old days' and I got asked on a few dates, but it was definitely a little different. I definitely have gone on a lot less dates since then. This past year and a half, I've gone out with less guys than I did in simply my summer following senior year. I could have gone with more, I admit. I have turned down some (thought not that many) guys-for various reasons. And I have had a couple of actual relationships, which are lot different than just going out for fun. I learned a lot of lessons on my hundred dates, about friendship and fun and talking with people. I learned how to better interact with people and the importance of listening. What I've learned in the dating I've done since high school, though, has taught me a lot of very different lessons. Mostly, those lessons were things I learned about myself.
I have a weird sense of self, I think. I understand that I have value. I don't think I suffer from any major self-esteem problems or anything. But at the same time, I get very self-conscious about what others, particularly with boys that I like. I was talking with my aunt recently. I told her that I just get shy talking with this boy. She told me that no one would believe that someone who had gone out with a hundred different guys could be shy. I told her, "Well, I didn't like THEM!" And that's true. Most of the time, I am a little concerned, but not majorly stressed, about what others might think of me. But when it comes to a guy I like, I freak myself out.
Or at least, I used to. For as long as I can remember, that's how I've been. When I really liked a guy, it was so hard for me to show it and to talk with him and to let other people know that I liked him. Now, though, not as much. It's still there a little, but I'm starting to realize that this problem is not nearly as bad as it used to be.
See, I understand that I have things about me--like everyone else--that are good qualities. I have an okay impressive resume, if you will, for dating. While I fully understand and recognize that, however, I also know that there are things about me that can be annoying and imperfect and I don't like that. The last thing I want to be in a relationship is annoying. So, I stay quiet or stress about it and that hinders me.
Before, I would look mostly at the negative side of things in regards to this. I would only see the annoying stuff, the reasons why they wouldn't like me. I remember once, Jeremy knew a guy who liked me and I liked him as well; I was stressing out about liking him and Jeremy calmed me down by letting me know that this guy liked me a lot as well. It blew me away; I had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. I know that a lot of people go through this as well, but it was a huge deal for me. The one major relationship I have been in was really hindered by my view on this.
Now, though, I think I am able to push the good things up just a little bit above the bad. I understand that I deserve a great guy. I understand it to my core, not just in my head. I understand it in a way that changes the way I behave. And I like that. I don't want to get cocky and I still have lots of things I am working on. I still don't want to be annoying. But, I'm not worried about it as much anymore. I am just taking a chill pill about it. I want a guy who loves me, even when I'm having an annoying or needy or moody day. I want to be able to just be with him without worrying that I'm acting in 'the wrong' way. I know I deserve a relationship like that and that really helps with the balance between my good and bad qualities. Sometimes, I see the bad qualities all too clearly. But I am learning to let myself (and others) be happy with me, imperfections and all.
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